A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”  “No! Get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” the man says and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk.” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

  • Better to be safe than…..punch a fifth grader.
  • Strike while the…bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before…daylight savings time.
  • Never underestimate the power of……termites.
  • Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.
  • No news is…..impossible
  • A miss is as good as a ……Mr.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new…..math
  • If you lie down with dogs…..you stink in the morning
  • Love all, trust…..me
  • An idle mind is….the best way to relax
  • Where there’s smoke there’s…..pollution
  • Happy the bride who…..gets all the presents
  • A penny saved is…..not much
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose
  • Children should be seen and not…spanked or scolded
  • If at first you don’t suceed…..get new batteries
  • When the blind lead the blind…..get out of the way
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Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began. they typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset and cried, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” God said, “Let us see if Jesus did any better.” Jesus entered a command and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voice of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. “But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program was intact. How did he do it?” God chucked, “Jesus saves!”

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A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between the bride’s side and the groom’s side). While facing the crowd he would put up his hands like claws and roar…So it went, step step, ROAR, step step ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the RING BEAR.”

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Letters received by the US Postal Service:

  • Dear God, is it true that my father won’t get in heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
  • Dear God, who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
  • Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
  • Dear God, please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
  • Dear God, my brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Danny
  • Dear God, I want to be just like daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
  • Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene.
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.  However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.  He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.  Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”  To which the boy replies, “Now we RUN!”

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A priest goes to visit the home of some parishioners. The children are home alone, but assure him that their parents will be home soon. As he waits, he notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and begins to eat them. He continues, and is embarrassed to realize that he ate the whole bowl. He apologized to the children. “That’s o.k.” they responded, “We only eat the chocolate covering”.

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All the scientists were talking about the sounds coming out of Beethoven’s grave. They came from far and wide to listen, ear to the ground. Then they gathered in a conference room to compare notes. Finally, after a long conference, they all came to the same conclusion: Beethoven was decomposing. 

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The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother, Mother” the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!” She raised herself up in bed with a pius look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, “Don’t sell that cow!”.

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